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Dear Hoodlums...
Yes, you, over there, you know who you are. I owe you a large debt of gratitude for your efforts with my bike this morning. Obviously the thick black chained yale lock frustrated any serious attempt at grand theft cycle, and so, instead you turned your frustrations on what I can only assume was a vain attempt to damage it. Yes, it was slightly scratched, but as you may have observed, it's already very scratched, one more really makes not difference to me, in fact, if we're getting to the facts, I quite like having extra scratches, it gives it that weathered look, and is perfect for stories that start in "Back in 'nam, me and this cycle..." It's been through a lot in the eight or so years since I used to hurtle round my paper round, trying to be back infront of CNN world sports by 7:30, and it takes more than a scratch to break it's spirit, thats for sure. And really, twisting my reflectors? Well, that wasn't even worthy of vandalism. When I was a kid vandals had some self respect and wouldn't sink to such purposless lows of achievment, they'd nick the bike, or they'd slash the tires, but, I guess times are hard and there were no decent vandals left in the town. I'll also grant you that the handlebars were twisted to an angle completley different to that in which the wheels were pointing, but, lets face it, as you were probably a three foot high chav, bored with under achieving and impregnating school friends to get child support, its fairly obvious that a man with a bike that size would be able to force them back to point in the right direction. And this is where my thanks to you, my deep, heartfelt thanks, would come in, you see, before your wretched self touched it, my brakes were really rather slack. Braking went something like this. A) Spot Hazard B) Pull Brakes C) Check time D) Pull out iPod, browse music and change track. E) Veer past hazard, apologising profusely. F) Start to slow down. G) Phone the samaritans for a brief chat about impending doom. H) Do hair in reflection on passing cars windows I) Stop, luckily just avoiding oncoming traffic. However, since your twisting of my handlebars and general trying to vandalise the bike, this has been reduced to the much more simple technique, of pulling the breaks, and gently stopping. I can only assume that the cable has tightened up a bit, and I must thank you for this service. Yours, Pete |
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Chintzy / Website (17.6.06 15:20) Even reading this again second time around it still makes me laugh. |
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amillionpieces / Website (17.6.06 15:24) Hurrah! I'm glad to be of assistance. |
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Katja / Website (18.6.06 00:06) Yes, it's fab. The list makes me giggle lots, especially the, 'do hair in reflection of passing car's windows'. Slut :P |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 00:20) Hey, look, if I am gonna be stretchered to hospital against my will with a broken spine and crushed legs, I'd best have my hair sorted so I can smile and wink at the nurses. Thems the breaks 
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Katja / Website (18.6.06 00:22) Ahem. *raises eyebrows* |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 00:33) Oh, come on! Like you wouldn't check your make up if your house was burning down :P |
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Katja / Website (18.6.06 00:34) Make-up? Darling, I have no need of such a thing
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 00:35) Hehe, oh yeah, I forgot. Dashed naturally perfect people! |
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Chintzy / Website (18.6.06 18:23) I like the point on the list about calling the Samaritans. I imagine you crying doing this, holding a Mars bar and a tissue for some reason. |
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Chintzy / Website (18.6.06 18:24) Actually that sounds like some sort of sexual act, but nevermind. |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 18:25) Chintzy, do you watch me in secret? |
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Chintzy / Website (18.6.06 18:27) Um no... By the way, that thing you do with a Twix - impressive. |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 18:28) Yeah, not be possible without the mirror though. |
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Katja / Website (18.6.06 18:29) The Snickers trick is even better. *ahem* |
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Chintzy / Website (18.6.06 18:30) And while doing a hand stand too. |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 18:30) *peers out of window* How many of you are there out there? |
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Chintzy / Website (18.6.06 18:32) Pete it's hard to take anything you say seriously while you're enjoying a Toblerone. |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 18:34) Hey, hey, hey. No one seperates me from my toblerone, you should know that by now! |
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Princess (18.6.06 18:47) What about if I asked really nicely, sweet Prince? *flutters eyelashes* |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 18:54) Princess, dahling, have the tobleron. Or me. Or both. It's really up too you. xx |
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Princess (18.6.06 19:21) I think I'll have you first, and we can share the Toblerone afterwards xxx |
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amillionpieces / Website (18.6.06 23:11) Princess, I like your style. x |
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Princess (19.6.06 12:10) Well, what a lucky coincidence - I rather like yours too... xx |
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amillionpieces / Website (19.6.06 12:37) I do like coincidences, they're so serendipitous. |
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Chintzy / Website (13.5.07 19:59) I read this again. Hehe. Hey, where has my Toblerone gone? |
