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Fear and loathing in las shields... Ok, so I may have mentioned in passing, occasionally, about the phenomena that is my fear of seagulls. Well, thing is, to fully understand the deep and complex reasons for this, perhaps slightly irrational fear of seagulls, you have to go back, way back to a time before humans roamed the earth, a time when the earth was without form and void and darkness ruled over the deep. Back as far as the Late Cretaecous Period, to a land that is now the stuff of only movies, and we can first meet the seagulls closest relative.  Yes, take a moment, look at that snarling, life threatening beast, and look at the velociraptor too. I think you get my point. Clearly related, you just have to see a gull in full stride, running frantically before it lifts off and then proceeds to terrorise the innocents of the world, swooping, attacking, more accurate at dive bombing than a whole squadron of stukas, clearly its a beast to be reckoned with. Whats worse is, there are thousands of them, they are everywhere, they are almost omipresent here, always ready to terrorise the unsuspecting human with their evil prehistoric prowess. I'm sure you all see where I am coming from now, oh yes, thats right. |
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12.5.05 15:13 |
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Lanent For Europe? Transport yourself if you will to Riga, 2055, and the Atrium debating chamber in the European Parliament, which had moved by majority vote from Brussels, and following a small conflict between Latvia and Finland, which saw the latter voted out of the Union, Parliament took shape in the new Pollit Building in Riga. The session is drawing to a close and it is shaping up to be the end of an era as France, Germany and the United Kingdom are outvoted by block voting from the Balkan nations, and their subsidy is cut to next to nothing, and their citizens are formally requested not to travel outside of the Western European Quadrant. Far fetched? Yes! But what are we meant to expect! I mean, sure at first its all a bit of lighthearted idiocy in choosing the very best of twenty-four frankly pathetic songs, but doesn't the voting just say it all? It says exactly what the future holds for us. Sure, sure, Western Europe has always worn the trousers in the EU, but now we are expanding what does the future hold? We can see that in fifty years time, we'’ll be out voted on everything, you see, the new states clearly don't like old Europe, I mean, lets face it, we may have given most countries on earth the off thing to be mad at us for, over time. Even with that accounted for though, Javine can't have been any worse than the Granny on the drum, or the Norwegian Tranny with the spray on pants. Even out allies deserted us, I mean, how many times do we have to liberate the continent from oppressive regimes before they show some gratitude and give us some votes. Holland, Belgium, France, I'm talking about you, innit. My great grandfather took one in the lung so you could humiliate our singers in front of all of Europe? Sheesh, I thought we did a good enough job of that one ourselves. And don'’t forget Poland, we kick off on the Third Reich on your behalf and we don'’t even get a point? Pah! And all this avoids the point that going from both UEFA and Eurovisions example, we will be duty bound to invite the Israeli'’s in, who will send a suitably stunning blonde to impress us, while the rest of her compatriots come up with new and innovative ways to defy the UN. It won'’t matter that she clearly isn'’t from Israel because by the time we have worked this out the Greeks will have seized on their tactical alliance with Cyprus and Macedonia to take control of the Parliament and make us all pledge allegiance to Zeus. But at the end of the day, this won'’t bother any of us, because in 2009 scientists in Newcastle will find a way of genetically enhancing the DNA of Terry Wogan to give him the gift of eternal youth, and let'’s face it, as long as we have his dry, sardonic wit presenting, we'’ll watch any farce and have a good time. |
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22.5.05 00:29 |
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